Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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