I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
