AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
