This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
