Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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