worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
