I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
