I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
