...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
