he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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