the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
