i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
