Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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