dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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