how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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