omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
