someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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