Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
