this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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