I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
