My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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