I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
