I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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