I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
