just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
