this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
