I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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