do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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