apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
