I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
