Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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