I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
