Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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