i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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