I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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