I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
