Yo dont text me then not text me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
