how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
