I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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