So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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