Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
