Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
