Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
