I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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