it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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