On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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