im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
