I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
