Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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