Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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