DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
